david detox

Tonight I have a feeling like I have never had before. I feel helpless, weak, stupid, immature, ugly, annoying, fake, angry, sad, clueless, and exhausted. So overall, I guess you could say I feel depressed, but I have never really been one to get all emo and sad. But I just feel like I am really close to having some sort of breakdown.

The thing is that I can not pinpoint one exact situation that made me feel like this. It's a combonation of alot of different factors I guess. But I guess I think if I sort it all out first maybe I can find out what is making me this way and then I can start repairing myself.

Let me see,
- I still have no feeling in part of my left hand; and i have a nasty scar from the accident.
- I feel like I am about to lose the love of my life because of my dumb mouth and my idiotic actions.
- I feel like everytime I try to help Ayla with an issue, I end up just making it worse
- I feel like my best friend is being pulled away from me by his psycho girlfriend
- i hate still living with my dad because I feel like i'm so sort of little kid again
- i have no money
- i have no car
- my mom is in a different state
- my job is a joke
- my skin is horrible I think
- my teeth are gaping again
- i constantly think I smell bad
- i get jealous that this one guy (ayla's friend) texts her all the time, and admiting to liking her
- i feel like ayla is constanly annoyed by me
- i fucked up my education
- i always miss opurtunities to do something nice/special for ayla
- ayla still doesn't trust me 100%
- i am constanly paranoid about who she is texting
- i have nightmares all the time about her and other guys
- i feel like i let down the people who matter most
- it's hard for me to fully open up to anyone
- i can't express my emotions and feelings through words
- i have absolutly zero common sense
- i don't have a single skill
- i lack motovation on certain things
- i procrastinate
- i can help other people with their problems but i can't help my own
- i hate my past
- people think that i am fake and put on an act to impress other people
- people think that i am psycho
- i bottle up my emotions
- i act childish sometimes
- i'm selfish
- i'm weak
- i have a bad sleeping patern
- i have hobbies but i am bad at them
- i want everyone to like me
- i thrive off of what people think about me
- i'm not good at most everything
- i used to lie to make myself seem cooler
- i'm not as intellgent as people may think i am
- My lies have made my life hell
- I feel like i can't escape my past
- i have social anxieity
- i'm lazy
- i'm starved for attention
- i am very dramatic
- i depend on other people for support
- i never stick up for myself
- i get jealous really easily
- my feelings/emotions a numb at times
***I am not sure if all of that even made sense, or is going to help me. But that list is what i think and how i feel. somethings may sound stupid and riddiculous but all this is driving me to the point of insanity, i don't know have to save myself when i feel like i am too late and let it get to far.



if i were to die right now, i don't think that i would have any outstanding quality or achievement that people would remeber me by. I feel like I could so easily be replaced and forgotten.

like i said, I have never been one to get depressed and cut myself and whatever, but right now...i just feel like i have wasted so much time just hurting others, and being selfish.




What I am most afraid of, is being too late, and losing everything that i have. because i have never truelly been alone...but i am so close right now, and it scares half to death. =[